A Series of Unfortunate Events - Chapter's 2 & 3 (It Just Gets Worse!)

After the first chapter of my series of unfortunate event, I am almost afraid to chronicle the rest; just in case I am tempting fate.

The loo and the septic tank appear to be working perfectly; for the time being at least. Jean from the English Arm Chair Abroad left a comment on the last post about the possibility of a good blackberry crop as a result of our overspill. I must put this into perspective and say that we have in fact had a rather good crop of blackberries over the past couple of years, and a spectacular crop of damson's too. I wonder, does this tell anything about the fertility of the soil?

Getting back to our string of disaster's; I am pleased to announce that all my hard work at the computer was rewarded by the delivery of a brand-spanking new dishwasher before 10.00 am on Monday morning. The funny thing about my old Zanussi model dying is that the kitchen has never been so clean. The two boys had been threatened with co-operation over the washing up or else! The or else bit was in relation to me refusing to order any kind of automated help for the kitchen unless they got on with it in the meantime; I think that's only fair, don't you?

Chapter Two has been briefly outlined in the above paragraph's & my last post, so I think I will now skim over to Chapter 3 which ties in quite nicely with all of the previous, present and future chapters! This is due to the fact that I rely rather too heavily on my mobile phone for communications of all types.

A little while ago I upgraded; I asked for the cheapest, nastiest, most basic phone in the shop and I am afraid that I got what I asked for. The contract was renewed but, I have a feeling that I downgraded regarding the phone itself, and the moral of that story is be careful of what you ask for...

The sim card capacity on this new phone of mine appears to be limited; the result being that several of my numbers are now stored on the phone's memory. That's all well and good until such time as you transfer phones and lose most of your precious numbers like I did. To be honest, I can probably retrieve a few of them by simply reinserting my sim card into the old phone, but I am simply too busy to be bothered with this.

The advantage of this is that even if lose the new phone which hasn't got lots of numbers on it; I will be able to use my old one which has. Actually, that is almost what happened at the weekend.
Having attended a function on Saturday afternoon I discovered that it HAD mysteriously disappeared.

You can imagine the consequences of that, especially as the delivery man for the dishwasher had instructions to ring me an hour before he arrived - on the mobile phone!

A Series of Unfortunate Events - Chapter 1 (The Bog Doesn't Smell of Roses)

Good Morning; one and all!

Have you heard my most recent tale of woe? Well, even if you have I am going to relay some of the high points for your entertainment. (It's not as bad as it sounds, honest!)

First of all let me excuse myself in advance for any spelling mistakes; the fingers on my right hand are, at the moment, quite numb & very cold! Great start to the day, eh?

Last weekend; not the one just gone, the previous one, LB announced that there was 'faeces' everywhere! Ummmh! This was unfortunately confirmed by BB a few minutes later. The inspection pit for the septic tank was indeed overflowing - AGAIN!

Needless to say this required immediate attention, resulting in DG spending the best part of his Sunday Knee deep in smelly stuff. Thankfully; his sense of smell isn't great at the best of times, so this wasn't too much of an ordeal for him.

Several hours later; having retrieved a laundry marker and a stubby permanent marker (both black), he came across what resembled a huge wad of what was once toilet paper. Triumphant we tested the offending article, ie the toilet and much to DG's disgust not a lot happened.

Meanwhile; Polly dressed in her favourite outfit, a knitted hoodie and pyjama bottoms was hammering away on the computer, indulging her favourite hobby indoors where it was warm, scoffing copious quantities of forgotten Christmas pralines and slurping numerous mugs of steaming hot tea. She did concede; however, to hand feeding DG through the window and providing numerous flushes - for testing purposes only.

Actually, I was attending to the other casualty of last weekend. The dishwasher died and was steadfastly refusing to drain. Luckily; being computer literate, I was able to conduct my research on-line before having to venture out into the cold & order the new machine.

Anyway, going back to the septic tank and its problems with drainage; it was necessary for DG to cut the pipe, remove some gravel and calcified water(?), patch it up temporarily and cover it with a sheet of corrugated steel. As if this wasn't bad enough; temporary meant for the best part of seven days, which unfortunately resulted in liquidity only, with no solids please.

There are two solutions to a problem of this nature:

1. A slops bucket in the bathroom for the collection of faecal waste and solid matter (unfortunately ours wasn't as pretty as the one in the photo below, which; is a compost toilet) OR
2. Frequent visits to friends, family and anyone who owns a functioning WC

This situation has continued for the best part of a week, resulting in abdominal cramps, constipation and the occasional near accident.

One family member; myself excused, found it necessary to use the silver coloured plastic compost toilet seated beside its non-functioning modern equivalent. Great difficulty was reported regards concentrating on the job in hand. Apparently, it is very difficult to do one without the other; and he nearly washed the floor at the same time!!!

I am pleased, no PROUD to report that dearest DG has saved the day, once again; completed the repairs and the bathroom is once again FULLY functional. Thank you, very much!


Without mentioning any names, I suspect not everyone followed the procedure outlined above; judging by the frequent visits to the great outdoors! I wonder; would this same person be the the one responsible for the laundry marker, permanent marker and the wad of what-was-once-toilet-tissue?

Just for your information, I would advise anyone planning on visiting VINCA Cards in the near future to wear wellington boots. The ground is already water-logged due to amazing amounts of rain. Not only is the ground boggy; lurking in the undergrowth, there may be those members of the poo family who managed to escape the tyranny of the dreaded slops bucket.

Anyway, the good news is that we are all sitting pretty once more and the stomach cramps are now a dim & distant memory! LOL

Cheerio!

Polly Px