A Series of Unfortunate Events - Chapter 1 (The Bog Doesn't Smell of Roses)

Good Morning; one and all!

Have you heard my most recent tale of woe? Well, even if you have I am going to relay some of the high points for your entertainment. (It's not as bad as it sounds, honest!)

First of all let me excuse myself in advance for any spelling mistakes; the fingers on my right hand are, at the moment, quite numb & very cold! Great start to the day, eh?

Last weekend; not the one just gone, the previous one, LB announced that there was 'faeces' everywhere! Ummmh! This was unfortunately confirmed by BB a few minutes later. The inspection pit for the septic tank was indeed overflowing - AGAIN!

Needless to say this required immediate attention, resulting in DG spending the best part of his Sunday Knee deep in smelly stuff. Thankfully; his sense of smell isn't great at the best of times, so this wasn't too much of an ordeal for him.

Several hours later; having retrieved a laundry marker and a stubby permanent marker (both black), he came across what resembled a huge wad of what was once toilet paper. Triumphant we tested the offending article, ie the toilet and much to DG's disgust not a lot happened.

Meanwhile; Polly dressed in her favourite outfit, a knitted hoodie and pyjama bottoms was hammering away on the computer, indulging her favourite hobby indoors where it was warm, scoffing copious quantities of forgotten Christmas pralines and slurping numerous mugs of steaming hot tea. She did concede; however, to hand feeding DG through the window and providing numerous flushes - for testing purposes only.

Actually, I was attending to the other casualty of last weekend. The dishwasher died and was steadfastly refusing to drain. Luckily; being computer literate, I was able to conduct my research on-line before having to venture out into the cold & order the new machine.

Anyway, going back to the septic tank and its problems with drainage; it was necessary for DG to cut the pipe, remove some gravel and calcified water(?), patch it up temporarily and cover it with a sheet of corrugated steel. As if this wasn't bad enough; temporary meant for the best part of seven days, which unfortunately resulted in liquidity only, with no solids please.

There are two solutions to a problem of this nature:

1. A slops bucket in the bathroom for the collection of faecal waste and solid matter (unfortunately ours wasn't as pretty as the one in the photo below, which; is a compost toilet) OR
2. Frequent visits to friends, family and anyone who owns a functioning WC

This situation has continued for the best part of a week, resulting in abdominal cramps, constipation and the occasional near accident.

One family member; myself excused, found it necessary to use the silver coloured plastic compost toilet seated beside its non-functioning modern equivalent. Great difficulty was reported regards concentrating on the job in hand. Apparently, it is very difficult to do one without the other; and he nearly washed the floor at the same time!!!

I am pleased, no PROUD to report that dearest DG has saved the day, once again; completed the repairs and the bathroom is once again FULLY functional. Thank you, very much!


Without mentioning any names, I suspect not everyone followed the procedure outlined above; judging by the frequent visits to the great outdoors! I wonder; would this same person be the the one responsible for the laundry marker, permanent marker and the wad of what-was-once-toilet-tissue?

Just for your information, I would advise anyone planning on visiting VINCA Cards in the near future to wear wellington boots. The ground is already water-logged due to amazing amounts of rain. Not only is the ground boggy; lurking in the undergrowth, there may be those members of the poo family who managed to escape the tyranny of the dreaded slops bucket.

Anyway, the good news is that we are all sitting pretty once more and the stomach cramps are now a dim & distant memory! LOL

Cheerio!

Polly Px